“Wizard People, Dear Reader

Wizard People, Dear Reader is an unauthorized re-envisioning of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, by Brad Neely. To experience it, viewers need to get a copy of the first Harry Potter movie (known as Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in Europe) and watch it with the sound off, replacing Neely’s narration with the original soundtrack.

After spreading rapidly among Neely’s friends in Austin, Wizard People made its theatrical debut at the New York Underground Film Festival, to rapturous applause. We think Neely has crafted an as-of-yet-unnamed new art form, one everyone should experience for themselves. (Wizard People has no affiliation with Warner Brothers or the creators of Harry Potter.)”

You can search “wizard people” on youtube to find short samples of the audio synced with the movie. It’s a shame that Brad Neely was not allowed to create anymore commentaries like this. Neely stated during one interview that it was never his intention to make money performing “Wizard People,” and the he just enjoyed making people laugh. I believe that Neely was not in the wrong to perform his show. It’s completely original work and if parody is acceptable, why isn’t this? If you would like a quick taste of “Wizard People” really is, I recommend searching “Harry vs Snake,” or “Wizard People: The Happy Pizza” on youtube. If you like these clips, you can visit Illegal-art.org to find the full audio file that matches the movie. Brad Neely also has many original cartoons on Superdeluxe.com. If you are not easily offended by blasphemous work, “Bible History #1.” For the less blasphemous, but equal in foul language, “Late Date” is excellent. Enjoy.

Sweet Sixteen

by Mitch Ham

            The heat of the evening had begun to die down with the sunlight but the humidity in the air lingered on like thick breath. The crowd was restless and it was making Burton uneasy. He was regretting accepting the invitation to the party and he really wished he could leave but it would be hours before anyone would be able to board the ship and then another hour before it reached Shelton. He was trapped on the tiny island with hundreds of teenagers. Had he known what he was about to witness he never would have gone. A younger boy bumped into Burton, kicking sand into his shoes.

            “Oh, sorry,” the kid said as he looked up at Burton who was much taller.

            “It’s alright,” Burton said, trying to hide his frustration.

            “This is exciting isn’t it? Eve is finally turning sixteen.”

            “Well, I haven’t known her for all that long. I moved to Shelton about a month ago. I only have a class with Eve.”

            “I didn’t think Eve still went to school. I’ve heard so many rumors,” the kid said.

            “What do you mean you didn’t think she still went to school?”

            “Well I heard that her dad bought a diploma from the school and that Eve was already starting her clothing line. Her dad has enough money to do that so it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. Just look at what he has spent on her birthday party!”

Burton had been thinking about the expense of a party like this. It must have easily reached into the millions. There must have been five hundred people there, each one wearing their own solid gold necklace with the letter “E” hanging like it was sentenced to death. And each necklace had been engraved with the lucky guests’ name. These were part of the invitations she sent out and they were what granted access onto the ship that shuttled everyone to the island. There were many more people standing in line at the dock before they left, most of which were pleading with the security guards in an attempt to get on. Each one had a similar story: “I lost my necklace but Eve knows me personally,” or “I was already on the ship but I forgot Eve’s gift so I came back to get it,” or “I know most of these people were not invited but I was and Eve is going to be very upset to find out I wasn’t at her party!” Several of them were turned away crying hysterically. Burton didn’t understand why they wanted to go so bad. “Does Eve really know all these people?” he thought. The younger kid was still going on about all the stories he had heard.

            “And some guy was telling me that he heard her dad bought this one of a kind, Italian, hand-made car that is like the fastest car in the world or something. It has an emergency parachute in case she drives to fast and I think that is incredible.”

            “But you don’t even know if it’s true,” Burton said.

            “But it could be true. Her dad has enough money to do that sort of thing. Eve has been planning this party for like three years and I heard she even did a practice party a couple of months ago. I heard she has already planned her honeymoon for when she gets married and she gets to ride a shuttle into space for a few hours. Oh man, I’d marry Eve to go into space.” Burton nearly burst into laughter when he realized the kid was completely sincere.

            “How long have you known here?” he asked.

            “Well I heard about her like two years ago. I don’t really know her personally. I mean, we haven’t talked or anything. But she’s beautiful and I think she’s great. This is a great party.”

            “Yeah,” Burton said. “So did her dad buy this island, too?” The boy nodded his head.

“He bought it just for this party. From what I’ve heard he owns lots of property. He’s got so much money, and he buys whatever Eve wants.”

“What does he do?”

“Whatever he wants to do.”

“No, I mean what is his job?”

“He must do a little bit of everything; stocks, oil. Maybe he’s a drug-lord, who knows?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m just happy I got invited. I don’t know what I did to get Eve’s attention but I sure am glad I did. I feel like I won the lottery.”

“Yeah,” Burton said and he began moving towards the front of the crowd pretending to see someone he knew. As he pushed his way through the mass of bodies, he noticed that everyone was speaking of Eve just the way the kid was. Everyone had their own rumors and tall tales about her. There was a chubby girl in a tight pink dress standing in the front of the crowd. In front of her were a few security guards keeping people away from the stage area. Massive lights were fixed along trees aligning a runway to a curtain. It was a complex setup that reminded Burton of a circus. He made his way next to the chubby girl to get a better view of what was about to come.

“Oh my God it’s almost time!” the girl shouted.

“What is all this for?” Burton asked.

“It’s going to be the best entrance ever!” She was still shouting. “Who are you?” she asked, realizing that there was now someone acknowledging her.

“My name is Burton.” There was a pause and when the girl did not respond, Burton continued with, “I go to school with Eve.”

“Is that all? You just go to school with her?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused.

“Nothing, I just didn’t know how you got invited. Eve personally flew out to New York and gave me an invitation. Her dad knows my dad and me and Eve are like best friends. We do everything together.”

“What does your dad do?”

“He owns a bunch of stocks or something.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah me and Eve have been best friends for two months and a couple weeks and a few days. She’s like the best girl ever; just look at this party!”

“I’ve only heard good things about her.”

“Yeah, and this party is going to be so much better than Jessica’s party. That was like the worst party I’ve ever been to. Eve is so much better that Jessica. Jessica is here somewhere, have you seen her?”

“I don’t know Jessica.”

“Well, she should be jealous because this is better than her party. Eve told me she would make sure that Jessica knew that this party is better than hers. Eve can get whatever she wants. So what do you know about Eve? Wait, did I already ask you that?”

“I don’t think so. We have a geometry class together but she doesn’t go very often.”

“Well she’s got other stuff to do. Don’t you think she’s pretty?”

“I, yeah, yes, she’s really pretty.”

“Why did you stutter like that?” she asked firmly. “Oh my God, I think she’s about to make her entrance!” The sun had completely set now and the lights in the trees were beginning to dim. The temperature had dropped significantly and Burton hadn’t even realized that he was slightly chilly.

“Isn’t this awesome?” the chubby girl asked. Burton said nothing, he only nodded his head.

What confusing him about the people at the party was that no one seemed to know anything about Eve, but they all thought she was the most wonderful human being. Her father was as equally mysterious and no one had even mentioned her mother. All anyone seemed to know was that she had a lot of money and could get anything she wanted.

The truth about Eve was that she was extremely beautiful, which was obvious to Burton, but her beauty collided and stopped at her skin. There was something awful about Eve that could be seen if you looked at her in just the right light. Her eyes were like tiny explosions, and her smile like bullets. Burton could see this flicker of an alter persona and this made him curious. He knew there was something different about Eve but he didn’t know that it was evil.

Music began to play. It was a deep drum with a very tribal, savage sound. Dancers, all men, swung out from the trees on staged vines and landed heavily on the runway. Their skin was covered in red paint and their movements were very quick and intense. Rhythmically they lifted their knees and stomped the floor that reverberated like the beating drum. Their shaking hands looked like bat wings in the low light. The crowd cheered wildly as dozens of cameras flashed silhouetting the dancers’ bodies.

“What do you think about that, Jessica?” the chubby girl screamed to the crowd behind her.

Smoke was pouring in from above the curtain at the end of the runway and the crowd cheered louder. The scene was hazy and the stage was a good distance away but Burton was able to make out two of the dancers carrying a large mass that looked a lot like a body, and they laid it on a pedestal that sat on the stage. The stomping of the dancers and the drums were gradually getting louder and faster. Thunderous grunts from the performers was added to the music and they circled the pedestal. The young boy from before had found Burton and tapped his shoulder.

“Isn’t this intense?” he said.

“Yeah. What is this supposed to be?”

“I don’t know man, but I love this music. Eve deserves this.”

“What do you think they’re doing with that one guy?”

“I can barely hear you,” the young boy said. “It’s really loud.”

The chubby girl turned to them.

“Eve is the greatest!”

The curtain began to rise but nothing behind it could be seen, it was pitch black. As it rose higher and higher, the lights became dimmer. The person lying on the pedestal was moving slightly and Burton began to squint. A spotlight then shinned down on the pedestal and a large man stepped down from blackness of the stage. Burton’s eyes had adjusted slightly to the darkness and he could see an enormous chair on the center stage.

“Everything looks so real!” the young boy said.

“That big guy there, that’s Eve’s dad,” said the chubby girl.

Burton glanced at her quickly and then looked back towards the nervous that something was not right. The dancers’ voices were nearly at a constant howl and they lowered their heads to the floor. Lights on the stage began to illuminate a familiar figure to Burton. It was Eve sitting in the large chair and wearing that strange look; the light was just right. There were those explosive eyes, that bullet smile. She was gorgeous and at the same time, dangerous and frightening. She was like a blanket of pink silk adorned with bone. Burton began to shake his head. The drums were now rolling like an automatic machine gun.

The large man standing at the pedestal quickly reached for his side and pulled out a narrow dagger and lifted it high over his head. With a booming cry it struck down into the center of the lying mass which gave a quick kick and then laid still. The stage went black again. The crowd roared at the finale.

“Oh my God, that was intense!” the chubby girl said. “My heart was racing the whole time!” She cupped her hands together and yelled out, “all hail Eve!”

“I thought it was real there for a second,” the young boy said to Burton.

Burton didn’t move and he did not cheer. He could not believe what had happened. It hadn’t all been a show. He saw the person laying on the pedestal move. It was a real man and he was really killed. His head pounded as if the drums had not stopped and the crowd began to sing happy birthday.

What kind of mother would advocate and even participate in the bullying of a 13 year old girl for the sake of gossip?! I understand that there may not be any laws governing internet harassment but how can this sort of behavior go unpunished? The act was intentional an malicious and it resulted in the death of an innocent girl; what part of that is grounds for dismissal? It hardly seems just to let these two just walk away. I feel like there are some cases, like this one, where the outcome should be ruled on common sense. This girl is dead because of the actions of her neighbors. Therefore, charges should be applied. Is that not common sense?

P.S. I still really like Wikipedia.